It’s Time To Have That Tough Conversation With Your Parents

If I learned one thing from my father’s passing last week, it’s that children of aging parents have an absolute obligation to get all the documents necessary in place before they are needed.

I’m talking specifically about proxies for healthcare, money, and final choices regarding funerals, burials, and so on.

My mom passed last December, and a few weeks later, I went down to visit my dad in New York. I brought my oldest child as a witness, and I hired a traveling notary to come to his home so that he would not have to go to a bank or a lawyer’s office somewhere for the notarizing of documents.

Because we did the healthcare proxy, I was able to have access to full information and make decisions with regard to my father’s healthcare.

If that document had not been in place, I would have been shut out of the information loop.

I have no idea how decisions would have been made, especially the ultimate decision to provide palliative care instead of taking aggressive measures.

Because I had the proxy for his finances, I was able to access funds to pay for the not inconsiderable costs of his final month of care without having to juggle family funds.

And because I had the proxy for burial and final choices, I was able to ensure that he would have what I considered a proper religious send-off.

This is not the kind of conversation a child wants to have with a parent.

We never want to contemplate their mortality, or, for that matter, our own.

But I found that when I did this for my mom years ago and my dad last January, they were both touched that I cared enough to pull the documents together, bring in the notary, and get it done.

It wasn’t awkward at all.

This is the time, while they are still capable of making these critical decisions, to have these conversations.

The line that they use when they sell insurance is precisely right — better a year too soon than a day too late.

Here are some pro tips.

First, before you sit down with your parents, ask them for the names of each of the institutions where they bank or have accounts.

It turns out that every financial institution requires its own unique power of attorney form, which can typically be downloaded from their websites.

Who knew!

Next, explain to your parents that these forms do not give you access to the accounts until such time as they are incapable of making their own decisions.

So it’s not like you can dip in to their funds and treat yourself to a nice vacation in Jamaica.

Next, when you sit down with them, make sure that you have a notary and a witness, or more than one witness if the documents so require. You want to have your ducks in a row.

Next, fill out every document with absolute precision and no cross-outs. It’s all too easy for a bank to reject a document because someone signed or dated in the wrong place. This is not something you want to discover at the crucial time.

Next thought: When you get to the healthcare proxy, simply ask your parents what level of aggressiveness they want in terms of care.

Do they want to be fully resuscitated no matter what? Are there circumstances under which they do not want life-saving measures to be used?

Not the most fun conversation to have, but again, if they don’t make the decision now, strangers in the form of doctors and EMT people will make those decisions for your parents.

And then when you get to funeral/burial proxy, which you can easily find online, make sure that you and your siblings are on the same page before you have the discussion. Or if you are adamant about your own religious practices, and your parents are on board, have the documents reflect those choices.

Ultimately, the decision belongs to your parent. Your job as the proxy is to carry out their wishes.

Once you have completed the documents, leave the original of the healthcare proxy in a prominent place — ideally on the side of the refrigerator.

That’s where the EMT people look first when they come into a home. That’s why the health care proxy is often printed on pink paper — so it’s clearly visible.

The main thing is to recognize that once you have this brief conversation and get the papers signed, you and your parents will never have to discuss these difficult matters again.

And take it from one who was just there.

There’s no substitute for having the I’s dotted and the T’s crossed.

I was trying to think of a stirring, emotional finish to this piece, so as to leave you feeling encouraged and incented to take care of these matters.

But instead, I will simply leave you with the words of the great American philosopher, Larry The Cable Guy.

Get’r done.