The Secret Of My Serenity

The secret of my serenity is that I have practically none. Sigh.

I’m relatively calm and “together” most of the time, but I’m not quite sure I could describe my mental state as totally serene. I’m married, have four children, run a business, and live on planet Earth. Serene sounds great, but it also feels a little above my pay grade.

Here’s the best definition of serenity I ever heard. A novice asks the master for the secret to serenity, and the master tells her, “Every morning, look up at the sky and say, ‘Whatever.’ Then, just before you go to bed, look up at the sky again, and say, ‘Enough.’”

So every morning, she opens her eyes and said “Whatever.” And then at night just before she went to sleep, she says, “Enough.”

She does it day after day, week after week, and then after a period of months she finally calls the master back. She couldn’t take it anymore.

“Enough!” she cries.

“Whatever,” the master replies serenely.

I’m neither the novice nor the master in that scenario, although I do try my hardest. For me, the point of the story is that if you can look up at the heavens each morning and be open to “whatever” happening in your life, instead of trying to compulsively over-control people, situations, and outcomes, you’re serene.

I’ve become a huge fan of the Headspace app, which provides directed meditations on a wide variety of subjects. You can meditate on happiness, grief, waking up, training for sport, conscious eating, or whatever else strikes your fancy.

The meditations can be as short as one minute or three minutes, and as long as ten or fifteen. They come in “packs” of ten to thirty days, with “singles” as well.

Headspace is a subscription service: You pay one amount and you’ve got access for a year.

I find the voice of the narrator of most of their audios, Andy Puddicombe, soothing, helpful, and lighthearted. I don’t start my day without Headspace, and sometimes I’ll layer in a second session in the evening.

What’s the main benefit, since after two years of faithfully doing Headspace meditation each morning, I still can’t claim serenity for myself?

It’s this: I have an alternative to the “always on” thinking to which I would have to say I am addicted. I think all day long. I think when I don’t want to think. I think about things I don’t want to think about.

So Headspace comes along and offers me alternatives to the sound of my own thinking.

First, I can simply recognize that I am thinking, which creates a little bit of distance. Puddicombe has you say, “Oh, a thought,” when you notice that you’re thinking.

This creates a little bit of detachment between myself and my “thinker.”

There’s nothing wrong with thinking — I’ve actually had some pretty good ideas over the years. Not many, but a few. The problem comes when the thinking becomes so endless that it feels like there’s no escape from it.

Puddicombe also invites you to become aware of things that normally go unnoticed — the feeling of one’s hands on one’s lap, one’s feet on the floor, the temperature of the room, air grazing our hands or faces, ambient noise, and so on.

All this reminds me that there is a world beyond my own self-obsession, and that I am not my thoughts.

I haven’t given up on serenity. Sometimes, to be honest, I have to ask whether I really want it. On some level, I thrive on the mini-crises and chaos I like to create for myself.

Would I like to go beyond that? Of course. I’m reminded of a quote from Rumi, the Persian poet who Deepak Chopra quoted in his wonderful short book, Creating Affluence: “Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing there is a field. I’ll meet you there.”

Maybe that’s where serenity lies. If you know, please reach out and tell me.

Until then, I’ll stick with Headspace, and I highly recommend it. We live in crazy, “always on” world. Anything that creates some respite from the noise, the technology, and the endless parade of thoughts is, in my estimation, worth the time.